so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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