i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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