I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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