I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
