just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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