my phone needs a breathalizer
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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