apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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