Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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