You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
