you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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