btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
