why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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