thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
