i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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