Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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