I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
