He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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