Are we in a gay sports bar?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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