If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
