Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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