Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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