My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
