I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
