i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
