I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
