All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
