I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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