I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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