she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Randomize
