I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
