when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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