dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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