My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
