Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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