we were pretty classy up until the second keg
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
