The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
