Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
