Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
