If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
