I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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