So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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