If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
