I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
