It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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