Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
