Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
