I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
