One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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