Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Randomize
