the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
