im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
